Last Sunday upon repeated requests, I gave a testimony at Harmony Church. It was the day after said yes I started to realise that I was actually not quite sure what I said yes to. I mean I am new to this. So I did what felt safe and put the text on paper. It was actually more than I bargained for but a promise is a promise. I am still coming to terms with everything that happened before during and after getting myself to do all this. It was not getting the words on paper, that was probably the easy (and safe) part. I had to find out that despite so many gigs, three seasons as a talent show presenter, presentations and training, I was actually grabbed by nerves. Why? Because this was really opening up, something had learned to either not do or do it while hiding behind an instrument. Would He be listing in? As He is understood to be interested in what comes from the heart and not so much from the words (or the mind) I could not help but feeling well …nervous. I performed for many audiences but this was quite something else.It felt as being as naked as one can get understanding who’d be listening in.
During doing this, so much went through my mind, so much of what can easily be put on paper got an emotional lading that struggled getting through it. Yet at the same time, by now understood that this was important to do not just for me but for my New Best Friend and well for others that may be helped by it.
I thank God and everyone present for their kind support in getting me through and the reactions were more than this simple guy could handle last Sunday. I guess me own reality check or impact came more than ever when reading out loud and in public what I had entrusted to paper. Sorry for being somewhat uncoordinated with the microphone. Since I now understand how these testimonies may stimulate others to think about their options, I will publish my straight from the heart testimony here hoping that there may be someone out there that will benefit it. And again thanks everyone for getting me through.
“THE MOMENT A MAN SERIOUSLY ACCEPTS A DEITY, HIS INTEREST IN RELIGION IS AT AN END. HE’S GOT SOMETHING ELSE TO THINK ABOUT.” (CS LEWIS)
Around three months ago by now, we walked through these doors behind you. I don’t think that anyone more sceptical and cynical could have entered those doors. If anything I have been leading a life away from God for as long as I remember. Some years ago, I went on a personal mission. I would prove the world that religion, Christianity included, with all its baseless creeds, behavioural rules, hypocrisy and abuse of interpretations and people was in dire need to be exposed as a fraud. Who better to do it than someone like me:
a legal graduate, intellectual, with a background in investigations and intelligence analysis? What started as a mission against religion ended up turning me towards Jesus and through Jesus to God, hence this testimony. Initially through the Gospel of Thomas, one of the Nag Hammadi documents and not long after that the Bible again, I found myself committed to living a life of love and compassion, which were as far as I could see what Jesus’ teachings all boiled down to. The mission itself seemed to become less important.
I knew there was a God for sure; just look around you and you will find all the evidence you need. And more and more scientific evidence was becoming available to me, that indicated that it made more sense to consider that there was a creator than not. It made sense to accept the existence of a God, and in fact the God of the Bible. Don’t get me wrong here: all still from a factual point of view with the Bible as a mix of history, myth, wisdom, poetry and incredible teachings, still far removed from that which I was trying to expose. I considered myself to be a Christian without a God with the teachings of Jesus as the “Ultimate Guide to Humanism.” What I failed to understand is that YOU NEED GOD TO FULLY COMPREHEND THE MEANING OF LOVE AND COMPASSION. I was committed, but preferred a non-religious approach.
And now we are back at where I started: walking through those doors. AGAINST ALL ODDS, and to my utter surprise, I found myself in an environment that not only felt good, but real. It felt like, well let’s say” COMING HOME! Here I found this amazing fellowship of people that was seemingly living a life of love that went so well beyond my own understanding that it shook me up completely. My eyes were opened to a completely new understanding of what love and compassion could really mean. I will not go into the details, you know who you are. And we, perfect strangers, were finding amazing and undeserved, love, kindness and support from people we hardly knew: PEOPLE WERE ACUALLY LIVING WHAT THEY SAID. I even considered the possibility that we were being “love bombed”; a tactic used by cults. That was how overwhelming it all was. As a fraud investigator I was still on my guard. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, I just could not find the fraud. And it did not stop there, this ‘love bomb’ seemed to be extending to others in our lives in most unexpected ways from the most unexpected corners.
Kaye provided me a very important key. It was her advising me, while casually taking care of the coffee, how I should perhaps consider opening up my heart a bit more instead of hiding in the books and intellectualities. Her advice kept haunting me and my gratitude will be forever.
(I wandered away from the text here to advise what it means for someone like me – a legal mind – to be let speechless and unable to come up with any smart response. It was like straight through the wall. Quite honestly to catch some breath and lighten up a bit for the next part.)
Together with what I was experiencing around me, it opened the door for considering the possibility of having a RELATIONSHIP instead of a RELIGION. Conversations with Charles, Gideon and his amazing services most definitely helped to further this. He’s quite persistent in that respect and for all the right reasons I might add.
I was invited to get involved in the music matters (my first career). Music started to make sense again. I found renewed enthusiasm, love and inspiration after my instruments had been gathering dust for years. The musical experiences were highly instrumental in pulling me over. Something was happening to me when playing here.
On 25 November 2009 I finally opened the door widely, to accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, to be forgiven for leading a life away from God and to hand over the throne of my life: not just in words but with all of my intentions. As a whole the experiences here had prepared me for what a year ago would have been an impossibility. So, here I am today telling everyone that I have found THIS INCREDIBLE FRIEND AND FATHER, God, through Jesus-Christ. And you know HE’S HAPPY TOO, as this was how He always meant it to be. We are in the process now of getting to know each other. A bit better every day and what an amazing friend he turns out to be. What a journey He’s taking me on. It is through meeting God, having great conversations with Him that I came to understand how my own ignorance and arrogance had deceived me despite my best intentions. I finally understand how IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE A LIFE OF LOVE AND COMPASSION WITHOUT KNOWING GOD. You simply can’t give what you don’t have. And all it took was accepting God in my life through Jesus-Christ. I never deserved Him, better yet if anyone did not deserve it, it would have been me. Yet, here He was with his arms wide open to pour out his grace over me and HE CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER; JUST LIKE THAT. It was the greatest discovery I will probably ever make: KNOWING THAT I WAS CREATED TO KNOW GOD, NOT ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL, NO PERSONALLY AND BE HIS FRIEND FOREVER. It is one thing to learn about the grace of God, actually experiencing it is quite something else. I am still trying hard to get to grips with the magnitude of it all.
So, yes Gideon you were right last week; you can read all the books in the world but it is in the RELATIONSHIP I found the answers.
I CAN, AND DO RECOMMEND IT TO ANYONE. It does not take much. Just open the door completely; not with your mind but with your heart. No big miracles, no big flashes, but a new sense of love, faith, peace and purpose that does not compare to anything I knew before. Believe me, it is the best Christmas present I ever got: for this one and all the Christmases to come.
In love and gratitude,